When You Don’t Have The Words

When you don’t have the words, use song.

“He who sings prays twice”

I’ve known this quote for years but I didn’t remember that Saint Augustine said it. Of course he did. Music is great for praise. It’s also great for the formation of our hearts as we try to grow closer to God. Listening to words someone else wrote can push us further in our faith.

The other day, I was listening to the songs I’ve purchased on my phone. I realize they have formed me so much. I want to talk about the one in particular that made me pause. It’s called If You Want Me To. I am extremely partial to the live versions because this youtube version is the one I first fell in love with. The one I ended up downloading to my phone is called If You Want Me To (Best of Version) by Ginny Owens.

The Words

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And I don’t know the reasons why you brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do, I’m gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

No I’m not who I was, when I took my first steps and I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet. So, if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will walk through the fire if you want me to.

And it may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through the world that’s not my hope. But you never said it would be easy, you only said I’d never go alone.

So, when the whole world turns against me and I’m all by myself. And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help, I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through and I will walk through the darkness if you want me to.

And when I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing and I’m gonna shout. I’m gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down. So, take me on the pathway that leads me home to you and I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

Ginny Owens

I sat stunned when I heard this this the other day.

I’m not really sure why. I knew, when Gus died, that the handful of songs I had purchased on my phone prior to his unexpected death were, interestingly, about suffering. I guess I was surprised again about the extent of God’s preparation of me. I wanted to write there that “I couldn’t believe his preparation” but I can’t write that because I do believe it. Let me explain.

2016

I gave a witness in the Fall of 2016. I talked for twenty minutes about my life with emphasis on my resent struggle to transition to a stay at home mom of three little boys. I struggled with post partum anxiety and I didn’t think I was cut out for the job. I thought I was so bad at this job that my family would be better off without me. I then shared how I was getting to know Jesus and basically how that fixed everything. That if I focused on how much he loved me that could overshadow any stressors.

After my witness, one song would play. Any song I chose. I picked If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Through her words, I was telling God that I would say yes to whatever difficulty he wanted to put in my way. The near constant serving of motherhood was probably most forefront in my mind. The crabby baby who wouldn’t lay down for a nap, my constant fatigue and interrupted sleep, the toddlers who were always inventing new ways to make messes. The laundry, the meals, the cleaning, the mess. Oh, and a husband who hoped his wife would be present.

(Still, today, when I asked God how I should prioritize my day, all those motherhood and life stressors smooth out.)

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And I don’t know the reasons why you brought me here.

I didn’t understand suffering then. I googled it a few times to try to figure it out. So, I did feel like the signs were unclear and I didn’t know why he was walking me through those trials.

Now, the pathway may still be broken. And I may wander down a side trail sometimes that makes the journey more difficult. But God is so present in our lives since Gus’s death. I won’t completely understand on this side of Heaven but I don’t wonder the reasons why God brought me here. He is forming us. He wants us to be saints. He wants us to say yes to his love and mercy and eternity with him. There’s many reasons why he brought me here and so far, they’re all beautiful.

No I’m not who I was, when I took my first steps and I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet. So, if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will walk through the fire if you want me to.

This first sentence, yes! Please keep forming me, Lord, until I have a heart, pure and humble like yours. Now, we’re not walking through the valley anymore. We’re walking through the fire. The valley sounds lonely and isolated. It sounds like the devil’s lies that you are the only one; that you are alone. The fire is hot and painful. But it’s not lonely. That’s Gus’s death. It’s painful but I’m not alone. And yes, Lord. Still, yes. I’ll walk through the fire if you want me to.

And it may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through the world that’s not my hope. But you never said it would be easy, you only said I’d never go alone.

I love things that reinforce Jesus’ words to us.

John 16:33 says, "In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." 

John 14:16-20 says, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always, the Spirit of truth, which the world cannot accept, because it neither sees nor knows it. But you know it, because it remains with you, and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me, because I live and you will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father and you are in me and I in you.

John 14:16-20

So, it won’t be easy. But we won’t be alone. And with Jesus comes joy that this world cannot give.

So, when the whole world turns against me and I’m all by myself. And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help, I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through and I will walk through the darkness if you want me to.

I like to think of this part as my continued yes. I don’t know what God will ask of me in the future. But Jesus suffered to the fullest extent for me. He led the way. My suffering can’t surpass his gift.

And when I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing and I’m gonna shout. I’m gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down. So, take me on the pathway that leads me home to you and I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

I smile every time I hear this part. Especially in the versions of the song where you can tell she’s smiling while she sings it. Here is the celebration!

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to!

Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived but when she had given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child had been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you. On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you. Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete.

John 16: 22-24

More on trusting in Jesus’ divine mercy in this article and this video starting at 1 hr 43 mintues.

Augustine’s visitation, rosary, chaplet.

Gus’ stunningly beautiful funeral.